Causi sui - Inner Immortality
Do you remember the feeling…like waking up on the first day of Summer, after the last day of school. The alarm goes off but you realize you can go back to sleep. And it is also staying awake until the sun is beginning to light the sky and you finally decide its time to end the conversation because you are nodding off between words. You can wear flip flops and tank tops or even better you can walk around in your bear feet. This feeling is most definitely different than the feeling you have before you take ten days off from “normal life” for a vacation. This feeling is certainly different than the feeling you have when the children are away at camp for the Summer. This feeling is not temporary, it is intrinsic and timely and most importantly it is a choice.
The choice to choose the unknown over the predictable. The choice to pursue a dream over settling for something good enough. The choice to appear erratic and even mad over embracing the accepted institutionalized boredom of a “modern life” designed by aged, hypocritical, affluent, pale skinned males. The choice essentially to live without rules. I call this feeling joy and it is what every microscopic mitochondria in every cell of my body strives to make possible each and every precious moment of my life. This feeling does not exist in time because it refuses to be resolved through rational reduction. This feeling is joy, love, connection, peace…it is not happiness. To be happy in the eyes of society one must inhabit an ideology which runs contrary to my nature…by which I mean to say being happy is a cheap imitation of what I consider to be the true purpose of being awake.
Please, and I acknowledge how completely counter intuitive it is for most people to grasp such a radical proposition, try to put yourself in my shoes. These kinds of choices rarely happen because one day we wake up in a fit of hysteria and alter the course of our life. Rather, to become joyfully free often means you know “what you want.” It means removing the politely suffocating dictates and hypocrisy of our Puritanical society. It means transmogrifying the very tapestry of ones life. It means an internal revolution has worked its way out into external expression. It means, at least in my case and cause, I am comfortable not knowing what comes next. There is ambiguity and chaos and revolution on every street corner, in every city and within any relationship. It is seeing the stranger in someone you have know for decades.
We strive to maintain order in a vain and futile attempt to deny the essential truth of life…which is to say we stop living with vitality in an effort to delude ourselves into believing that death can be ignored. Throughout history we have marginalized, dismissed, pathologized and even destroyed those who dared to question the causa sui, the immortality vehicles, dictated through the institutions of god, nation and family. To be free, to be absolutely free, means in the words of Sartre we must meditate on “death consciousness” so as to wake up to the authenticity of life through experience. To hold another within the boundaries of what we have know them to be or to only see them through self projection is how we make difference into disease...look into the person to find their soul.